Snow Drops

So, here’s the funny  about any sort of grand post. Anytime you get to declare a big truth of sorts, beware, cause it will get challenged.

Case and point, the moment I chose to share my own belief in the power of prayer; something deeply private to me up until that point…virtually a day after that moment, I got challenged…the very belief that I shared a day before, got challenged.

I got put in a situation, where two beings, two people that I deeply cared for, were up for a major challenge in their lives, heart breaking challenges and I was completely incapable to help in any shape or form, due to the distance that separated us.

Not even the basic, a hug and a shoulder to cry on…not even that I could offer. I could only listen, be on the phone, and I felt like a helpless witness… I know you would say, that even that can help the ones we love, but that was not how I felt. I felt helpless. I was in a situation where besides being a good listener, the only other thing I could offer was to do my best to send good vibes and pray.

But here is the challenge, good vibes are hard to send, when you are sad and angry at the same time. If in your core you are feeling outrage…Nope, sending good vibes in that type of situation is rather a struggle. It is a lot more easier to blame than pray, you know. And that was the moment, I stepped back and felt the need to laugh at myself. Because if anything, I am not at all the ultimate holder of truth. So forgive me if I sounded like that.

Prayer does help however, especially it is for someone else, to remember that life is not at all about oneself. And if someone else’s challenges turn into a situation that is all about me, my anguish, my anger, my sadness….then perhaps, I am off the track…. and I was.

So me, Ms. I Got It All Handled With Prayer, all the sudden found myself having to do a bit of intense internal emotional work, which quite honestly I am still doing. Life does  throw you curve balls, and what I feel blessed about now compared to 10-15 years ago, is that with a little grace, I somehow managed to assemble a bit of a tool kit that helps me manage what comes next. It does not necessarily make things easy, but it does help me build meaning around it and that makes all of the difference.  It is what got me out of a fairly depressed state many years ago.

So if you ever get yourself in difficult situation, that may even make you see yourself in an unflattering light. Number one, stop judging yourself immediately; number two give yourself some love; and number three consider it your homework to find the meaning behind it. Any human fail, and there are many to go for all of us, is an opportunity to learn and move on.

Why Snow Drops in the title? Not too many know what they are. I always find myself having to explain it. They are some of my favorite flowers. The very first ones to pop on the grown. Sometimes even in the middle of winter, in the midst of snow. All they need is a little sun. They are the ultimate symbol of hope for me. I have them in my garden now, but prior to that, when I lived in an apartment, I used to chase them… go to places where I knew the would grow and look for them. There is nothing quite that gives me the same smile, like tiny delicate white flowers,  growing in the middle of winter.

Last two weeks have been exceptionally warm in Chicago, so I knew that my snow drops would pop on the ground. They did and their timing felt healing. But then couple days ago, we had fairly  violent hail  that woke me in the early hours of the night, and all could hope for with all of my heart was that it did not destroy my snow drops. Then I let go of that though and went back to sleep. The next morning, my snow drops were still intact…


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Do you believe in prayer? (I know, you are thinking, where have you been?  Promise, will get to that, just not in this post). So back to…Do you believe in prayer?

For me, finding my answer was not as simple. I grew up during Communism. We were “educated” as children that religion was not something good, that people who had faith were at the very least confused, and at the worst evil and wrong. I remember my paternal grandmother having an icon at home and me trying to explain to her when I was younger that she was mistaken, that there is no God and her insisting, oh but there was. She didn’t manage to convince me….

It was life, early on…somewhere around the age of 10, pretty much on my own that I came to the conclusion that there is something else out there. I guess, I felt that energy that I felt once in a while, and at times things happened that were not random, that kind of felt like that they were purposefully put there. It was the passing of my maternal grandfather that solidified my thoughts on this “existence of something else”(the word God was still foreign to me). That was the first time that I chose to have faith in an afterlife and not without irony believe that my grandfather, who was a lifelong Communist party member , and did not believe in God, had to be going to Heaven. He may have been mistaken about this God thing, but I believed that he was a good soul, and the only fair thing was to let him in Heaven anyhow.

I remember, still having this internal conflict about it. What if I was wrong? What if this whole afterlife thing was my imagination? What if I was doing something bad? (remember Communism). And then one day, I had a simple conversation with my mom about it. And she said that it is ok, to believe that my grandfather’s soul was somewhere else in the afterlife…that she had an unusual experience when her beloved paternal grandmother passed, that she heard her late at night…or dreamed of it that made her wonder of what happens after life….and so I chose to believe(and then my crazy fear of ghosts happened, but that is another story)

So my path to faith, was very gradual and mostly self-exploratory, and kind of a secret relationship of sorts. Won’t go trough all of the tiny steps and leaps that I took to get there, or the moments of confusion and yes also anger at God. That would take a while to explain, plus I am writing about prayer, right?

What matters here is that there came a point, right around the age of 12 that I chose to start praying, so I did. By that time, I have obtained a Bible, which I did not quite understand, and to this day haven’t quite finished reading. But in that Bible I found a prayer that I leaned by heart and kept praying every single night.  And for this many years, it has been a little secret, I don’t think that anyone in my family  or my friends knows. Not necessarily that I was hiding something, more like, it was too personal to share, it was something that I wanted to keep as mine only…

It was the Our Heavenly Father Prayer and since then, I have been saying that same exact prayer every single night, no exceptions for close to 30 years. Saying it and believing in it, however did not happen immediately. At first, it was more of a precaution, just in case type of a thing…

And the funny part is that it took me easily another 27 years to actually learn how to pray right…In my late twenties up to my late thirties I kept holding onto prayer in desperation and out of fear. After having two important relationships fall apart, I was afraid of being alone, of never having family on my own, and not being successful in life because to those things. So I kept hanging on that prayer and practically begging God for these things…but they never came. Keep in mind, that this is close to 10 years of praying for the same things, so I hit a wall.

By then, I was a somewhat out of my depression, and I was actually be able to rationally think and say to myself ” This isn’t working, so I will stop praying for those things. I’ll let go and surrender,  I’ll accept what life is, and I will not try and manipulate and control my reality through prayer. Instead I will pray for the people I love, with as much detail as possible of what they may need at any moment. I will not pray for my benefit ever again, I will only ask to be guided to the wright path. I will believe that I am heard and see what happens”. And little by little, I felt heard, and small and big miracles began to happen and most of my prayers for my loved ones were answered….

So now, when I feel fear, anxiety or panic, I have my own mantra “God is here” and I use it. I believe that with that simple call, I am never alone and instead heard, protected, and at peace, and one with life.

Just recently, as 2017 was starting, I wrote out what I want to accomplish and what would make this year meaningful. One goal was to pray better. I felt that I have fell into routine, when it came to prayer and as a result my spiritual life was lagging, that I needed to do something about that.

Not shortly after, I started listening to “The Universe Has Your Back” by Gaby Bernstein. A book that I though was more about the Law of Attraction, turned out to be all about praying and meditation, and thus the Law of Attraction worked its way into my life one more time.

The thing about Gaby, is that I never could connect 100% to everything  that she shared, some of it feels a bit out there…however I do believe in a lot of the principles that she shares in her work. And there I am,  not too long after I wrote that goal, and somewhat left it on the back burner, buried in a list of at least 15 other goals…that I heard Gaby read this prayer close to the start of her book:

“Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

It just spoke to me…truly genuinely spoke to me and was the exact piece of a puzzle that I needed at that moment. A morning prayer and a tool of peace. My own small miracle, that benefits me, and through me the world around me.

With this, I leave you and I wish you one thing…may your prayers be wise, and may they be answered….



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2013 in review

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 330 times in 2013. If it were a cable car, it would take about 6 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

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Merry Christmas to all!

SAMSUNGChristmas is such a wonderful, magical time. Something in the air, no matter how imperfect or hard things may be, feels like anything is possible(especially if you have been watching enough Hallmark Chanel Christmas movies). It is the time that one wants to believe in the goodness of mankind and be surrounded with family and friends. This year, once again, it is a very special time for me. Hope all of you have a merry, cozy and especially warm Christmas as well!

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In memorium

We all watch the news, so no explanation here…but just a moment reflection on my behalf (mainly to myself), which you may choose to share with me …

“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”- Nelson Mandela.

A great life can be lived in so many different ways, but the key to it being extraordinary, lies this simple thought.

If you would like a bit more, just visit where I borrowed it from, by clicking here.

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Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving was couple of days ago, but to me the whole extended weekend is about centering and appreciation of the things one’s been blessed to have. And it does not matter what they are- from the wonderful food on our table(in our house we cook, you know), to the blessing that having one’s family and friends close brings, to just appreciating what the adventures of this year so far have been, and what I have learned along the way, or how I got to grow. It’s been a good year so far, even with some challenges, I’ve had some great and unexpected moments. So I count my blessings. But more importantly, I am very, very thankful, that it is time to decorate my Christmas tree!

Happy belated Thanksgiving and good morning all!

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A Neat Read

This is something that enjoyed reading this morning. For anyone that knows me, I am a bit of a geek. I.e. I love learning, I love science, not so much math though, but rather chemistry and biology. I see beauty in it. And the more people wrinkle their foreheads thinking about it, the more I like it- organic chemistry is full of magic to me. Yep, I am the kind of a girl who makes her co-workers wonder why I love webinars and trainings that most find utterly boring.

But I digress, yet again. I read something that was kind of neat  and interesting this morning and I figured, besides it’s topic, which some people may find odd, to share it.  I found it in a place you’ve heard of plenty- Brain Pickings. It is a a post titled The Science of Stress, Orgasm and Creativity: How the Brain and Vagina Conspire in Consciousness. Curious? Well, don’t wait there, click on the pic below!

Lovely Saturday to all!

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